Wednesday 30 March 2005 at 3:35 pm
On Monday my brother and his girlfriend of over two years
finally broke up. Their relationship
ended up being everything that I have learned through a bajillion failures what
a relationship should not be. Over the
past year their relationship has deteriorated to abysmal points. My brother wouldn’t call his girlfriend on his
own, she would always end up having to call him. Communication is vital to any kind of
relationship. A strong healthy
relationship between independent individuals may not need daily contact, but
both should be eager and excited to talk or see their significant other. Whenever he would go over he would just want
sex. Women need to be in the mood for it, not hard
to do mind you, and there are various ways to have sex (hot quick fuck, long
slow romantic… etc), but by the time she would finally get into the mood, he
would be done. Apparently he never
brought her to climax. And if she didn’t
want sex he would become very angry.
I could go on and one about the misery they both ended up
in. She felt obligated to be with him
because he is the only one he pours his heart out to, and he didn’t want to
hurt her. Everything that could have
gone wrong did so quite well, and this went on for over a year. The day before their two year anniversary he
told her that he wasn’t in love with her anymore, yet they stayed together. In some ways it angers me because they both wasted
a year of their lives as far as relationships go, other opportunities were
missed because of the lack of their maturity. I can only hope both of them learned something
from all of this.
Wednesday 23 March 2005 at 10:10 pm
First off, colds SUCK!
Second, the actuall topic.
One of the major componets to my
depression is my lack of love life,
with emphasis on the love component. As my mental condition
continously improves a committed relationship becomes less and less of
a priority for me. In fact more promiscus desires has
surfaced. I've spent a great deal of time talking to my close
friends about what is all going on in my head and my priorities in life
right now. Basically it comes down to this: I am leaving
for [tt:tour]] in about three month, where I will be gone in two
months. There is no time to meet someone new to see if they are
relationship worthy. It may be possible to get something decent
going with people I already know reasonably well, but once again three
months isn't a long time. Right now I don't feel the desire to
commit to a relationship to anybody at this point. Foring myself
to date, like I have been doing for the past two years, isn't healthy
and I am tired of
relationships being forced and unnatural. If I
get an mutual overwhelimg click with an individual only then will I
consider working something out with tour involved. While I am NOT
planning on being a slut I will probably have a little fun with people
I know and trust, but not intend on becoming greatly involved.
Monday 21 March 2005 at 1:50 pm
Ever sense my mental health began to
improve my dreams have become more frequent and vivid. (I am curious
to find out if there is a negative correlation between depression and
REM activity. I couldn't find any information after a surface
research in medical and psychological journals, but I have never been
good at searching). Yesterday morning my subconscious decided
to blast me with imagery and sensation unprecedented in the past ten
years.
Initially the dream was a
wonderful adventure story; In a post-apocalyptic world I was running
around restoring civilization. This really wasn't memorable, but fun
and exciting none the less. Then the dream began to change. The
ship's phone began to ring. I picked up the phone and it was my
parents who had died during the end of the world! (The end of the
world was rather vague in the dream, nor does it really matter what
it was. Apparently I was on the moonbase when it happened, so I
wasn't harmed.) Somehow their telephone call traveled into the
future, so I got to talk to my parents before the end. During my
adventures I found this book that was an inspiration to me, and I
talked to them about it. They bought the book just after I went away
to the moon. The connection started to die and we exchanged I love
yous and take cares, then I hung up. I opened up the book and
written in red pen on the inside cover were the most powerful words
in the English language, “We love you very much David! - Mommy,
Daddy, and Justin [my brother]”
Some more adventure dream
things happen and then our hero finds himself on a ship traveling to
the remains of the Luner base for technology, medicine, and other
goodies that we left behind. The ship's phone began to rang. My
heart exploded when my ears heard the voice of my parents again!
Deep inside I knew something was wrong, that this would be it. I
mentioned to my parents what happened to the book after they called.
While we were talking I opened up the book again. Every page was
covered in red-ink scripture; the thoughts, feelings, and ideas that
my family had about the book, that they wrote just for me. The
cadence of my words quickened, giving them instructions on places
that survived the end. My heart began to burn with pain when they
told me how proud they were for the things I was doing in their
future. Countless times love and sorrow and how much we missed each
other were expressed. Sobbing I told them that I don't know if I
will be able to do this [save the world]. In panic I asked if I
could talk to my baby brother and then the line went dead. I knew
that the end just happened in their time, that I would never hear
their voices again. I knew they were dead.
My dream flashed-back to
when I was stationed on the moon. Somehow we knew the end was coming
but we couldn't prevent it. In my depression I didn't have all my
evacuation gear fully prepared, we didn't know if the base was going
to fall apart or not. IT happened, in the large window on the bridge
we saw Earth go dark. The base was shaking suddenly and we didn't
know if we were going to survive. I was hopelessly bawling on the
floor, the commander came to me and compared me to a newspaper
reporter, that despite the pain and tragedy I must fight to go on and
do my job. Humanity needed me. Quickly I gathered the rest of my
gear and hoped that I didn't forget anything, i knew I wouldn't be
back for a while if any of the base survived. All of us suited up
into our individual space suits and we jumped out into space, slowly
floating to Earth to save what little was left.
When I was little I had
my nightmares, as does anyone else. I would wake up crying about the
Martians from Sesame Street trying to get me. In my recent 'adult'
life had nightmares as well. This dream woke me up at just before
seven am. My pillow was already moist from tears shed in my sleep.
I was laying in shock before my conscious kicked me into writing the
dream down. As I fell out of bed the tears came again. Writing down
the dream was one of the most emotionally difficult things that i
have ever done. Even now, just a day later, I teared up preparing
this entry.
Tuesday 08 March 2005 at 2:13 pm
As some of you may know I attempted
to apply for a mentor position with the University Studies Program
here at Portland State University. I assumed I failed to get
the position because of the abysmal job I did in the interview
process. My excitement for the job converted instantly into
nerves which caused me to be more shitty than an Elephant on Exlax.
I got the position.
Right now I am sitting in the PSU
computer lab, having to wait an hour until my Biology lab, trying not
to scream and cry at the same time. This is everything I need.
I did it. I did it.......
Monday 07 March 2005 at 9:52 pm
The media got me. I want to have a nice, well built body that
will get me laid whenever I want. However that requires work, and
I am lazy. I also love ice cream, which mom always seems to keep
stocked in the freezer. Its a difficult choice to eat better or
look better. Being American I demand instant gratification, so I
will always go for the ice cream.
Tuesday 01 March 2005 at 12:33 am
Guys, I need help. The past three stays I've started crying at
least once (breaking my great-grandma's lamp didn't help....).
I'm getting scared. I don't know I'f I'm doing
this just for attention/sympathy or if my condition really is
decaying. My self esteem is gone. My self worth has
vanished. I am furious at myself because its for such trivial
reasons. I've, started thinking things, things that i dont want
to think about. Nothing immediantly threatening. But....
So much for my blog hot or not rating eh?
