Thursday 13 October 2005 at 11:58 pm
It didn't take long for the remainder of my summer to turn lackluster. My life lacked loved and I maintained the belief that it would be found in one of my classes or within the mentor community. This way, unlike my online encounters, I can befriend and develop friendships and determine if they would make a good companion before emotion became committed. Despite this reasoning I reactivated my hotornot.com profile because of boredom. Nothing in the universe ever goes according to plan.
Our lives collided with two mouse clicks.
Ladies and Sirs of the world, I wish to introduce to you my boyfriend [tt:Travis]]. After our match on hotornot.com we proceeded to chat online and on the phone. Not being use to lengthy phone conversations this pushed me outside my comfort zone, something I tend to avoid when interacting with unknown variables. We met at his house on Friday September 12th. I thought I was a bore the entire evening, yet the following day I was a wreak with the wish that we could hang out again. At a small get-together at my friend Jamey's apartment I got a hold of Travis. I hung out at his place for a second night in a row. It should be noted that we have not even kissed at this point.
On the third night I was with Travis we took a nice drive up to Rocky Butte. There I observed that Travis was interested in me. He wouldn't stop smiling. After some time we returned to his house and in his kitchen he proclaimed that we should go outside and look at the stars some more. On his deck he continued by saying it would be a shame if the first kiss occurred in his kitchen, and our lips met.
Our first full night together was a test to see if this relationship was different from all our others. We did not have sex or even messed around that night. Both of us wanted our relationship to be different from the rest. It was difficult keeping our hands off each other at 5:13 in the morning. Around 11 we both decided that we made it through the night in archaic respect for each other and the clothes came flying off. Then around 2:00 in the afternoon we took a showers who's duration exceeded an hour. Time passed by. We've been together for over a month now. As of today my relationship with Travis is the longest and the deepest that I have ever been in. There is one very good reason for this. I have said and used this word in the past, even in this journal, not knowing any better on its meaning due to the lack of emotional experience on my part. Now, with over two and a half years of dating, one month shy of being out for three years, I can honestly mean what I am going to pronounce to the world and for all of history and humanity to know and share; The reason why this relationship is unlike no other.
We're in love.
Monday 10 October 2005 at 11:14 pm
Tour was hell. Not the hell of difficulty but the hell of damnation. This was my final year of drum corps. Drum Corps International restricts participation to anyone between 14 and 21 years of age. Just look over to my bio.
Marching had been my only love for the past nine years of my life ever since I marched my first step in seventh grade. Being a woodwind player I never dreampt of performing in the brass only corps. I biffed my final notes in my final field show in my final year of highschool, in front of a judge no less. A lick I spent weeks practicing to perfect. The only other time I practiced was to be in the top level concert band to be with Lainee. My heart was broken.
I joined the Oregon Crusaders by a simple question form a highschool friend of mine who marched with them before. She asked me if I still had my marching shoes and I responded with “yah, both pairs.” Nothing more needed to be said. In the corps I attempted to learn how to play brass. There were only three seasons left for me but I took the opportunity. This past summer was the last chance to be Great, the last opportunity to do the only thing I loved the most. I failed.
The corps this year was very young and doubled in size, significantly younger than the past season. I knew we would probably not win and I was content with this as the growth in the members was simply phenomenal. A thirty point jump over the season is a very rare event indeed and near the end the Crusaders broke a score of 90 for the very first time. All was for naught.
Two individuals managed to arrive to the conclusion that they were more important than the restL that they should be the leaders of the hornline. Their actions and their hunger of power fractured and almost destroyed the hornline. I didn't even want to finish the season. Two staff members then began to fraternize with the said two members and their group whos social dynamic was disturbingly similar to that of a gang of bullies. The tragedy in all of this was my apathy. This is what I posted in the Crusader forum.
“I'm sorry I didn't do the things I promised that I would do for you, to practice, to try to have a somewhat ok sound and look somewhat strong out there. I promised to be your advocate and your voice in the times and place when no one else would listen to you. I promised to lead by example of what it meant to be a Crusader.
I failed. I never told any of you my goals, my promises, but this year was deficient of what it could have been. I do not know if anything I could have said or done would have made a difference, but at the very least I could have tried. For most of the summer I didn't even attempt to care.
It is said that the greatest life lessons are learned through drum corps. For me they were not happy ones. I'm counting on those of you who are returning to learn from our mistakes and make the Crusaders what it really could be:
A Family
I wish you all the luck and love I can give
-David "Snowcone" Radford-”
My final show, my final call, was not my greatest performance. That took place the week before. Once again I biffed my final note. I wanted and longed to be sad, crying, helplessly depressed when the season was over for the entire three day ride home. The only feeling left in my shell leached dry was the feeling of relief. Something was hidden, hidden until it benevolent realization came to me this morning.
During the final visual warmup before my final show, the last exercise left us with our horns up. Our personal time to shine is where be bring our horns down on our own when we are ready. I stood tall, holding my euphonium, Matt, the largest and heaviest of the bell-front horns, up. Those who cared about me that were behind me kept saying to themselves “keep it up David.” Those in front of me in the practice block turned around. Dave said he felt my energy. The arrogant assholes tried to keep their horns up but it was my will and my love that persevered to the end. Despite all the shit, despite my failures I stood tall. With tears streaming down my face I stood there as a Crusader. Never had I been so proud. I stood tall. There I drew the line. They can make me miserable. They can make life difficult, but they can never touch my soul. In my final act I did the finest horn snap of my life. Sharp. Clean. Powerful.
At that moment I became a man.
Saturday 08 October 2005 at 10:17 am
Three years ago my life changed forever. It lead me to the point of happyness I'm currently cuddling with in my life. That story will be told soon. My time on tour is written up as well as this happyness I've mentioned, it is just a matter of me being home long enough to type it. Three eyars ago today tho, my life changed.
Session Start (AIM - David:Annie):
Tue Oct 08 07:19:09 2002
[07:19] David: Howdy
[07:19] Annie: hi there..dude...adaam said you have something you
need to tell me..
[07:19] David: hehe
[07:19] Annie: what?!?!!!?!!? did david get some action?
[07:20] David: its worse
[07:20] David: it is not a good thing really, well not a good
thing for me
[07:20] David: remember I had something interesting I wanted to
tell you?
[07:20] Annie: yeah...!?
[07:20] David: god, this is making me sick
[07:21] Annie: what?
[07:21] David: Its one of those things that once it gets started,
there is no going back
[07:21] Annie: tell me
[07:21] David: I'm gay
[07:21] Annie: really?
[07:21] David: well, I'm not strait, I can tell you that
[07:22] Annie: cool...you realize this is ok with me right?
....
My two best friends were roomates at a uni an hour and a half drive south of me. It was a weekday night and they were going to drive up to make sure I was ok. I had the threaten them with their lives. Its moments like this that will probably always bring me to tears. Knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that there are people who love me enough to catch me if I should fall.
Sunday 02 October 2005 at 11:38 pm
My brother's website is now online at this
link.
